Sealed Ray
Would you comment on this poem about the seasons?
Seasons
Leaves of breezy rustle,
Rabbits move with tired hustle .
Round it swirls the sleepy earth,
Nostrils fill with soured earth,.
How stale the dirt is, wet and pale
Soon brown fades away to dull--
And come the whitest blades
December gallows, greet the gold
Poisons veins of tilted many
Raven chirps the tunes of weary
Trickle, drip will all the ice
Sun is born again to bow--
Beauty saved by kiss revealed,
Kicking frog, once frozen sealed
Rays will visit the blue stilled lake,
The willow blooms in beauty's wake
Then in distance, will see the willow
An eagle nests in feathered pillow
Shares to sip the blooming nectar
Only comes a sudden hustle--
Soon the leaves, again will rustle
I have spent a bit of time on this as it is a change from my usual themes. I feel it might be still choppy in some parts though
Your ear is right on target...it is a bit choppy and inconsistent. You start out with a rhyme pattern, then drop it, then go back to it. I think you do better when you don't rhyme, and you have some very, very good lines, but they're hit and miss with others that are way outclassed. For example, "the willow blooms in beauty's wake" is inspired!.. as is "December's gallows greet the gold"! (don't use a comma between gallows and greet). And if you do decide to rhyme, don't use the same rhymed word twice in a row (e.g. "earth").
I'd do a full rewrite, trim it down and don't try to rhyme...repeat the image creation you did with the two lines I cited above...they were very, very good.
...and keep writing
Sealed With A Kiss - Ray Groll
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