Gold Greatest
do u like my poem? be honest?
it is my first real poem.
I know a girl who is just like gold.
Great to see, even better to hold
Shining so bright all the while
Just to see her I’d walk for miles
Even if I wait for many years
As long as I have her there will be no tears
As beautiful as a full blossomed tree
I just know she is the one for me
But if she’s not that would be very bad
But gold is something that not many people have had
Personally, I do not enjoy rhyming couplets so much...
That being said, I really enjoyed your work. You have a lot to work with here.
I see where a couple of other answerers have pointed out that your rhythm is off, and this is easy to notice when you have rhyming words at the end of your lines as people/readers tend to switch to a sing-song approach for rhyming poetry. I like the slant rhyme you have going in lines 3 and 4 with 'while' and 'miles'. You can move away from the rhythm problem either by scanning your poem and making the appropriate adjustments so that the rhythm is the same... or you can increase your line length in some instances and vary your line length in other instances to push the reader away from reading in a sing-song fashion.
At first, I was going to say that your 'gold' metaphor was a bit trite but after reading it a couple more times, I rather like it in the first three lines (and the last two). I would like to see you expand the 'full blossomed tree' especially where the there could be value in being 'as beautiful' as one (comparing the girl to gold, girl to tree and tree to gold).
I really like the implication in the last line that the girl is something worthwhile to pursue though I can see where a more prurient read can be done as well (I'd rather stick with my first impression).
Overall, good effort. It takes work to get good and you've made an excellent start.
Entourage - Ari Gold's Best THE ORIGINAL (By Louididdy)
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